Saturday never felt so good. As you may have noticed (or not, it's cool) I have been remarkably absent from this space, a long with most other parts of my life. A lot has been going on. I've tried on a few occasions to write about all that has been happening, but I ended up sitting in front of the computer, with no will or reason to type anything out. I think, which doesn't happen often for me, I needed some time to process before I opened my mouth.
This summer was a strange one for me. I couldn't get into it. I would like to think the lack of good weather in the beginning is what threw me off my game, but blaming the weather is a West Coast cop-out, and I'm not gonna do it. I just couldn't get into it. I had a great time with my kids, but I spent a lot of my summer longing for it to change. The routine, the daily life, the way my children and I both together and apart, interacted with the world. I was getting really, really bored.
It wasn't until a few weeks ago, when I packed up the kids and went walking down the Drive (Commercial Drive) that I realized I had, unless driving to a specific summer-fun location, spent the majority of my summer in a very small few block radius from my house. What is up with that? Why wasn't I out? With the people? And the kids? And the dogs? And the world?
Okay, this is getting long already, try and hear me out:
Like many mothers, I've spent the last number of years with my kids, at home, doing the homemaker thing. And parts of me loved it. It's what got me sewing and knitting and gardening and all those things. I wouldn't give those things back ever. I found that I could grow some roots, and like it. In my past lives staying in one place, with the same peeps, and committing to...well, committing to anything - it wasn't my style. So I've changed a lot since my babies have been born. Like most Moms I guess.
And then you get to this place, when your kids get a bit older, and you realize that they just don't need you in the same ways, and there becomes this spot, this empty spot where your life was filled with the busyness of babies and you realize that now there is room and you can grow too. Grow up, move forward, get different, find more. It's this beautiful mutual independence that has blossomed and you love your kids the same as you always have, and now they're giving you this gift, this chance to get back to yourself. Or get into your new self.
This happened very quickly for me, this epiphany, this sudden hunger for more. It could be writing classes, working outside the home, working for me, working on me. Whether it was coinciding with the fact that Frankie was starting school this year I don't know. But I started searching for what was out there for me. Suddenly I found myself with this job, working at a midwifery clinic while my husband stayed at home with the kids. We did this entire role reversal and it happened overnight. Suddenly I was getting up and getting dressed and getting dropped off to be on my own, to do something that had absolutely nothing to do with my family. I became this working woman overnight. I was coming home to cooked meals and laundry on the line and a day that I have to catch up on, hear my kids stories and talk late into the night with my husband about how life was working here, here without me.
*Before I go any further, I should tell you my new job is a temp position, and only for a few weeks while Gabe is on a holiday - which is exactly the kind of non-commitment I like. It's like experimental working.*
*Also, before I go any further, I will be posting later about my daughter's very first week at school and all the emotions that have come with that. It is such a milestone, for her AND us, that it really deserves it's own post.*
I miss my kids like crazy when I'm at work. But at the same time, I feel like it's feeding me. Something new, it's like a quick sharp breathe in and my brain turns on and I'm paying attention again. I love my home life, I love and am proud of everything I do in it. I'm excited to come back to it with this new energy.
Phew, so there's part one.
I needed the shake up. It's like early morning. The sun is warm on my face, and the day is brand new. I'm still here, I'm just waking up again.
xo stitch
